Into the Shadows

Longest Shadows | A shadow swallows the landscape as the sun sets in the North Hills.

Depression is difficult to describe to the uninitiated. It is even more difficult to describe to the initiated. Its expression is as diverse as its hosts. The word carries the weight of a thousand bison stood on one's chest, more than enough to crush a person, but somehow not enough to zero out vital signs. How odd it is to be alive in body but dead in spirit.

Every breath is labored, but still I breathe. I feel impossibly heavy. My therapist reminded me today that a month ago, I did not feel like this. I believe him, but I can't imagine it. The only proof of psychological liberation from the recent past is a Lightroom catalog filled with thousands of images from the spring. Wildflowers, coyotes, meadowlarks, green hills and crisp light, remind me that it hasn't always been this way. And still, my breath is labored, the moment impossibly heavy.

My shadow stretches over this table, my computer, this coffee shop, this town, the Earth. These strangers' smiles are fake, their ambitions superficial. My shadow can't comprehend their light.

Night is coming. But so to is day.

Living with depression, like photography, it seems, is learning how to manage the shadows. I have gotten better at it over the years. Trusting the process - the shadow will pass - keeps me from taking drastic, irreversible actions: torpedoing relationships, shirking job duties, etc. I can do the basics. Eat, sleep, brush my teeth, show up to meetings. My body is present though my spirit may be absent.

It can all change in an instant, I know. An unexpected conversation. A dynamic sunset. A surprising wildlife encounter. An immersive musical experience. Light breaks the horizon and the promise of a new day, new life and a renewed spirit is presented. Light overtakes shadow and suddenly I am awake.

But I am not there. Yet. For the moment, the shadow prevails. As much as I wish I could will it away, think it out of existence, vanquish it to the light, it is here. The way forward is through. End of platitudes.

Onwards and upwards.